Grieving is not a linear process; each individual copes with the loss of a loved one in their own unique way.
Coping
I cope with my mother's loss by writing about it; otherwise, my heart feels like it will shatter into a thousand pieces, and I struggle to put them back together.
Small Circle
Life can be unjust at times. My family isn't very large, and apart from my mother's brother and his family, we haven't had much contact with other relatives. Living in the same city, we stayed close to them. However, most of the time, it's just been my brothers, my mum, and me. With her passing, our circle has become even tighter. I'm grateful that I’m able to introduce my husband and baby to our family.
Questions
Losing a mother is like losing a part of yourself. I feel like half of my heart just died. It’s the deepest cut in my heart and nothing will be able to patch it up.
I often ponder why it had to be my mother and why she had to depart at such a young age. She had so much love to give and truly deserved more love in return.
The Challenge
Losing my dearest friend, my texting buddy, the person I could endlessly share baby pictures with without complaint, has left me adrift. There's no one to confide in about my recent discoveries at home, my latest adventures, or anything new, and I feel lost.
Coping with her loss is a challenge for me; sometimes I find myself crying unexpectedly. Often, my tears flow while I'm in the shower. I find it easier this way, as they just wash away down the drain, carrying with them the hope that the feeling of emptiness will fade as well.
Empty Seat
Celebrating her birthday in her absence is difficult. I understand that my brothers are also experiencing this heartache.
On her birthday, April 11, we talked about our fondness memory of mama. One of my brothers mentioned how much he missed driving with her, recalling how she would ask for directions even when she knew the way. My younger brother shared his nostalgia for dining out with her. Besides enjoying the free meals during his internship, he cherished their conversations. My mum always checked on him and showed genuine concern, which my older brother now continues by checking on him and dining out together. I find this gesture adorable and heartwarming since he isn't usually the affectionate one.
My fond memory of my mother is whenever I return home. She always reassures me by saying, "Don't worry, I'll be there." She explained that when she sees the plane flies over our house, she would then quickly start the car and drive to the airport to pick me up. This always puts a smile on my face, even though sometimes she arrives on time, and other times she doesn't. Sadly, during my last visit, she couldn't make it to pick me up anymore.
Just One Day
I yearned for more moments with her. More playtime with her grandchild. More of her happiness. More shared experiences.
I wish I could spend just one more day with my mum. A day of pampering with a manicure, pedicure, and maybe a salon hair color session, followed by milk tea. Meeting up the boys for dinner, laughing, and heading home feeling content, saying goodnight without realizing it would be our last. All I long for at this moment is one more day with her.
No Goodbyes
This feeling of yearning will remain within me indefinitely until the day I can reunite with and embrace her once more. For now, it's not goodbye, Mama, just see you later.
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